Archives---August, 2008

August 31, 2008    Gridiron and Gustav

...Correction:  Election Day is not November 2 as Suttle World had mused when accurately stating that both Memorial and Labor Day fall on their earliest possible dates this year.  November 2nd is the earliest election day allowed by the Constitution ("the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November"), but just not the case in 2008.  Suttle World only brings the minor error to the gentle surfer's attention because of this year's unusual election process.  Due to an anticipated record turnout, people will vote in shifts.  Republicans vote November 4th and Democrats on November 5th.  In the event of any confusion, the gentle surfer is urged to contact its nearest Florida poll worker.

...The collective sigh of satisfaction heard across the fruited plane is that of a nation sated by the onset of yet another season of college football.  There is one of “those French sayings that don’t translate well to English” that escapes Suttle World at present.  That said:  it is with great humility that Suttle World relates an interpretation…how do you say?…”the ACC, it cannot suck enough.”  When your league’s highlight of the day is a Maryland win at home by a touchdown over Delaware , you might be having a down year.  NC State is water boarded by South Carolina .  Virginia Tech out Mit)hes East Carolina (alma mater of brother of Suttle World) to end their year before it began in a game that featured the most idiotic PAT decision in the history of the sport that went completely unnoticed by whichever Bob Foreheads that were working the game.  And in the big game everybody had waited on all day, Alabama goes into Death Valley and puts the wood to Clemson---where players rub a rock before the game to gain a oneness with an object to which they can relate on an intellectual level.  SUCK-O-MATIC!  Duke could be the sleeper following a 31-7 opening win over James Madison.  Meanwhile, the Southeastern Conference is all that.  Typically very overrated, Suttle World believes it may offer the best league in NCAA history this season.  Bowling Green gets as close to as anyone to being this year's App State, upsetting #25 Pitt.  In Charleston, the Citadel gets off to a good start with a 54-7 drubbing of Webber International  for whom the travel from Atlantis proved too much.  Sorta like the Rainbow Warriors, whose AD has now deleted every SEC contact from his address book---last two games = SEC 97 Hawaii 20 both with and without Boy Wonder.  As player or coach, on any level, has June Jones ever failed to get his ass kicked whenever in the southeastern region of the US?

...A quick check of Hotwire this morning reveals that a few rooms are still to be had this Labor Day weekend in New Orleans for a pretty reasonable price.  Be sure to mention mayor Ray Nagin's name at check in and receive a special Bayou bitch slap.  Gustav has weakened, but could well regain Category 4 status before making landfall early Tuesday morning.  At this writing, the track is expected to pass just west of the Crescent City.  Evacuations continue; a shout out to Floridian cuzin Cindy for further confirmation that there aint gonna be no stinkin' RNC; and the gentle surfer should have a much better idea of what to expect come Labor Day morning regarding this potentially disastrous weather event...

...If its Labor Day, Jerry Lewis must have come out and seen his shadow (or its the anniversary of his marriage to George Meany---Suttle World is easily confused about such events). Regardless, its time for the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s 2008 Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon.  The 43rd annual event begins same Bat time (9:00 tonight thru 6:30 Monday evening EDT). In 2007, pledges and donations to the MDA Telethon brought in a record $63.8 million.   Gustav may make for an awkward show this year, with Jerry and the kids hoping to get the hell out of Dodge/Vegas before the storm makes landfall.  No doubt there have been other hurricanes over the last 42 years, but none in the era of 24/7 "news" networks.

"(Politico.com)  John McCain was aiming to make history with his pick of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, and historians say he succeeded.  Presidential scholars say she appears to be the least experienced, least credentialed person to join a major-party ticket in the modern era."  Suttle World says most "presidential scholars" are individuals with no real marketable skills, excepting several titles to their credit that were written by grad students; and wouldn't know executive management if it delivered a pizza to their home wearing a nametag that said "executive management."  The talking heads will be a scream this morning.  Is the gentle surfer a bit squeamish with the thought Velma carrying the "football?"  No more so than with Benson handling launch codes.

August 30, 2008    Suttle World endorses Velma for VP

...The best take of yesterday heard by Suttle World was from Cox News' Jamie Dupree who aptly went to the golf metaphor, declaring that Uncle Ernie's selection of Sarah Palin to be the equivalent of going for the green in two.  It looked like one hell of a swing, and the shot won't come to rest for about 60 days---revealing whether it was a piece of Tiger like brilliance or Sergio folding like a cardboard suitcase.  Of course Suttle World is surprised by the pick.  The gentle surfer that isn't is either a resident of Alaska or has way too much time on its hands.  The huh!? factor was quickly followed by a "God, please don't let it be another Dan Quail" moment.  Then, after Uncle Ernie stumbled through an introduction, the Governor extinguished those fears with a confident and most impressive acceptance speech.   What's not to like about Gov. Palin?  A 44 year old Idaho native and resident of Wasilla, a town of 6,500 about 30 miles north of Anchorage, with her Eskimo husband of 20 years (a card carrying United Steel Worker, North Slope oil worker who won the 2007 Iron Dog, a 1,900-mile snowmobile race), and five kids---the oldest about to be deployed in the middle east and the youngest a Downs Syndrome infant.  Suttle World's concern that was certainly considered by each gentle surfer upon learning the news was as to whether Palin is prepared to assume the presidency should Uncle Ernie not come down for breakfast.  The retort that she has five kids is sufficient for Suttle World regarding handling crisis situations.  The fact that Palin is the only candidate of any party with any executive experience speaks for itself.  Yes, as of this writing, Suttle World is naively giddy over Gov. Palin's selection, and believes that it will have at least one half of a major party ticket for whom to enthusiastically vote for the first time ever in its coming eighth round presidential of balloting.  Reluctantly and with great effort, Suttle World shoves aside cynicism/suspends reality, and will invest in Velma (girl friend/Miss Alaska runner-up looks a hell of a lot better than the "brains" of the Scooby Doo gang, but first impressions are what they are) if for no other reason than this:  Suttle World and its fellow Americans would be greatly enriched by being forced to watch this infant grow up in front of us for at least the next four years.  We'd all become much more comfortable with those with highly visible disabilities, for, as usual, it is the "normal" among us that have the real problem.  At first whiff, this is the American dream/only in America real deal.  Suttle World is proud to endorse Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as the next Vice President of the United States of America.

...Suttle World has a fantasy draft coming up at 9:00.  Enough with the touchy/feely feces, and quickly on to other major happenings.

...First, not in a particular order of importance, its the first full weekend of college football, with the final boring pre-season NFL games and equally tedious US Open play from the parking lots of Flushing thrown in.  Consequently, the gentle surfer will require a scorecard to schedule their box watching time.  Residents of the metro ATL will have this menu from which to choose.  More sports coming up after these important items...

..."(AP)...Gustav, which killed 71 people in the Caribbean, rolled over the Cayman Islands Friday, and swelled to a fearsome Category 3 hurricane early Saturday with winds of 115 mph as it approached western Cuba on a track to hit the U.S. Gulf Coast three years after Hurricane Katrina."  Suttle World let out a tremendous sigh of relief 3 years ago when New Orleans had seemingly survived the hit, and then, the levies broke.  The forgotten Mississippi and Alabama coasts were similarly devastated and are just now getting back to business as usual only to have their Labor Day weekend cancelled.  Suttle continues to believe that if a Category 3 storm makes a big time hit on the Gulf coast, there will be no RNC, or a very abbreviated one at best.  Gustav is a most disturbing presence.

...Yes, the home page is a work in progress as Suttle World continues to search for appropriate tickers and stickers.  If the home page looks as awful to the gentle surfer as Suttle World has seen on some PCs, then it makes no difference.  If there is a semblance of order in the gentle surfer's viewing, then get over it while the ever inept staff does the best it can with very limited skills.

..."(AP) WASHINGTON - There's no room at the Xcel Energy Center for maverick Ron Paul, so his acolytes have packed their cars, hitched rides on "Ronvoys" and will pitch tents at Ronstock '08 in Minneapolis in defiance of next week's GOP convention in St. Paul, Minn.  The highlight of the meeting of the tin foil hat wearing crowd will be the grand finale when all are teleported to the mother ship, and carried to the galaxy Isolationous.

...Back to the sports page.  Of particular interest to Suttle World are the openers of the Citadel's season, as the 23rd ranked Division II (or whatever the hell its now called) Bulldogs take on Webber International in what neighbor Vicki characterizes as the only push over on this year's schedule---the fifth and final season of eligibility for already matriculated neighbor Clay who has the enviable task of starting at center for a team that plays at Clemson and Florida this year.  Meanwhile, about a thousand miles up the coast from Charleston, and two days hence, the Endicott College Women's Gulls soccer season gets underway Labor Day afternoon versus Babson, and featuring freshman Kaitlin Waring in her collegiate debut (despite the constant avian affiliations, Suttle World testifies that this particular Waring to be much more attractive than the current depiction).  Nationally, Clemson-Alabama is the day's marquee matchup, and doesn't start til 9:00 tonight.  The real thriller will be this year's TBD Appalachian State.

...Draft's a coming.  Vote for Velma.  Board up the windows.  Check the scoreboards and Suttle World for the really important sports action, and don't forget to look both ways before crossing the street.

August 29, 2008    Bensoncles smacks opposite field base hit; Suttle World gets the RBIs

...Nice speech; ridiculous set; and overall, Suttle World witnessed a rare logistical blunder by the Benson camp that way over thought last night by simply not allowing the moment to speak for itself.  Suttle World Political Consulting, Ltd. has always advised its clients that if they're about to give the most important speech of their lives in front of an audience of 80,000 (and millions on TV) to not first bake the crowd for 10 hours in an August Denver afternoon.  Eventually they wear out.  Such seemed to be the case to Suttle World last night, who surfed various broadcast organs to hear if the sound differed any.  It didn't, and the response, while enthusiastic, seemed muted and fatigued.  Speaking of fatigued, we come to the first half of Benson's speech.  After an above average opener to formally accept the nomination, the new Democratic standard bearer proceeded to lay out the Great Society warmed over in text that sounded as though it was penned by Jimmy Carter.  "...and in subsection 2.1(a), pencil sharpeners in shelters for the children of working mothers and uninsured Wal-Mart employees will be mounted only two feet off the ground.  Because, you see, if a child can't sharpen his pencil, he can't sharpen his mind for the windmill he'll be operating in the future.  As to the adults, I reflect on my dead mother's words that no one stands as tall as one who stoops over to sharpen the pencil of a child---so long as they register with the local authorities and don't live within 500 feet of a school bus stop."  A very weak first 20 minutes.  The second half improved greatly.  Strategically questionable, Benson boldly called out Uncle Ernie in the foreign affairs arena.  Benson sounded presidential in the area where many see him to be the most vulnerable.  There will be the expected post convention bump in the polls, but Benson desperately needed to send his minions on a  Brave New World mission leaving Denver.  He didn't.  Benson has better than a puncher's chance if he can ride Kumbayamania all the way to November 2.  Go toe to toe with Uncle Ernie on substance, and the gentle surfer will be calling it an early evening on election night.  Final grade = B- (much lower than Suttle World had anticipated).

...Suttle World is beginning to gain a greater appreciation for the "team coverage" concept, as a potential category 3 Hurricane Gustav, currently percolating in the Gulf of Mexico, appears almost certainly set to "cancel" the GOP convention next week in St. Paul.  If the gentle surfer is confused, imagine the bewilderment of Republican big-wigs who would prefer the RNC to not be relegated to split screen status with Bob Dole extolling the virtues of the VFW on one side, and thousands fleeing for their lives on the other.  Suttle World asks the gentle surfer to try on the following scenario, and see if it fits.  If a devastating storm strikes as predicted, the convention will be suspended, and replaced by an hour long meeting to formally nominate Uncle Ernie.  Somewhere around September 10, the GOP will ask for, and probably get, two hours of prime time in which McCain and his yet to be named running mate (MN Gov. Tim Pawlenty) make their case while a crawler for the Red Cross and other relief organizations run on the bottom of the screen.   Odd, but it could be another truly historic event---bringing down the curtain on the modern quadrennial four day infomercial/borefest/nominating convention.  Now that's change in which Suttle World can believe.

...Nobody wants to put a revamped disaster response plan into effect, but by all accounts, lessons have indeed been learned since the Katrina debacle.  The Gulf is a mess, with three named storms currently swirling in the warm waters of Labor Day weekend.  Its a most sobering state of affairs that, maddeningly, will probably not play out until Tuesday morning.  Even if the Gulf coast is spared of little more than heavy wind and rain, the evacuations already in place have already been a disaster for countless businesses that depended on the last big holiday weekend to stay in the black for the year.

...Suttle World prediction:  by the 2010 season the NFL will have moved to an 18 game season, eliminating two pre-season games---the most hated "sporting events" on the planet.  Doing so would push the next TV deals to over $5 BILLION/year, and finally bring guaranteed contracts to the game.  Suttle World hastens to admonish itself, and express thanks for relief from the bad old days when the gentle surfer had to suffer through SIX pre-season contests.

...Memo to Tom Brokaw:  immediately assemble a meeting of the entire NBC news staff for a very brief get together.  Suttle World will even write your little pep talk.  "Listen up you sniveling little bastards, you!  You may recognize this picture.  Its Tim Russert.  If you dumb SOBs can't cover this election in some semblance of dignity in which he would have wanted, then please feel free to fuck yourself on the way out the door!  NBC news may not be bigger than your egos, but its a hell of a lot bigger than the suck synergy that is the current culture around here.  Have a nice day."

...The final August Suttle World Mit)h of the Week Award goes to Iowa Central Community College President Robert Paxton.  "(Des Moines Register) After 13 years as president of the Fort Dodge school, Paxton resigned Wednesday, one day before the school’s board of trustees was scheduled to discuss an undisclosed “personnel matter.”  The special meeting was called after The Des Moines Register published a July 4 photograph of Paxton aboard a boat with a group of young people, holding the spigot of a small beer keg suspended over a young woman’s open mouth."  Just how stupid....Suttle World apologizes for the rhetorical outburst.  A career in academia explains all the gentle surfer needs to know.

...With so much going on as the nation heads into the Labor Day weekend (really odd that this year Memorial Day, Labor Day and Election Day are each as early as the calendar will permit), Suttle World wonders if anyone has checked on Jerry Lewis.  Sources close to Suttle World indicate that this years telethon will feature two numbers to call at the bottom of the screen.  One will be for pledges to Muscular Dystrophy, the other for a fund to pay down Ed McMahon's credit card debt.  If only Ed hadn't relied on Iowa Central Community College President Robert Paxton  and Billy Joel for financial advise.

August 28, 2008    A most historical day in the life

...Forty-five years ago today  Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and spoke before a quarter million people assembled for the March on Washington.  In one of the most famous speeches in the history of the English language, King said: "But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition.  In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."  In a sense, Barack Obama has endorsed that check by receiving the nomination of the Democratic party for president of the United States.  It is truly historic, uplifting and inspiring.  The check will eventually be cashed when such an event occurs in the future without comment.  Of course, Suttle World wouldn't vote for Benson with a subpoena, but Suttle World can only begin to imagine the emotions of those who rode in the back of the bus and also watched last night's event.

...History notwithstanding, it was a pretty dull night for the Dems.  Bubba's speech was remarkably short, supportive of the nominee with only a few outright lies tossed out regarding the current economy.  Basically, the first black president declared that Benson could "pass."  Very disappointing, but he looked marvelous, and yes, like the gentle surfer, Suttle World could see the thoughts of both Bubba and Satan as he spoke:  "we stayed married for this!?"  The former president did get one thing right, the current US military is not up to many challenges in a very unsettled world at present.  What he failed to mention is that state of affairs is largely due to his decimating the armed forces during his 8 year tenure. Tonight nominee Benson makes his big acceptance speech in front of the Parthenon that was disassembled in Greece and shipped to Denver for the event at Mile High.  Suttle World is going to head out on the limb again, and predict Benson will mention change in his address.  Suttle World is still unsure of what is being changed and to what, but greatly appreciates that many gentle surfers cannot be bothered by such minutiae. 

...Georgia Tech gets the 2008 NCAA football season underway for a both Divisions 1 and 2 as they courageously take on Jacksonville State tonight on North Avenue.  Yes, football is here---with most high schools already having one game under their belts.  Fantasy drafts are coming fast and furious as the NFL prepares for its last pre-season games this weekend, and, more importantly (this "lead" is supposed to be the first sentence) the autumnal collegiate sports season is also underway.  A quick 1,100 mile glance up the eastern seaboard finds Endicott College in lovely Beverly, MA where freshperson midfielder Kaitlin Waring will make her debut for the Gulls as they open their soccer season against dreaded Babson (didn't she used play doubles with Bunny?).  Endicott is looking to win their sixth consecutive conference (The TCCC-Tiny College Competition Conference) championship, and are predicted to do so in a pre-season poll.  Lowly Regis is the underdog in the league, and rightfully so, having just turned 77, and competing against a full squad of 20 year olds.  Being a Patriot cum Colonial, Suttle World isn't terribly impressed with the avian consistency, but is most taken by the tremendous academic, athletic and all around good gal achievements---all this as IV begins his junior year at BC.  The above graph is not only awkward, but also theoretical as Suttle World refuses to accept that the offspring of peers are nearing graduation from higher education.

..."(AJC) The FBI arrested Wednesday one of its “10 Most Wanted” fugitives on charges of murdering two Columbus State University students last year.  According to a news release on the arrests, Michael Jason Registe was captured in St. Maarten after a series of tips led authorities to a guest house in the Belvedere section of Dutch St. Maarten in the Caribbean.  This, of course is good news, but also causes Suttle World to ponder the late George Carlin's comments on the subject of the 10 most wanted.  Presumably, now that one of the top ten has been arrested, another name will be added.  Does that guy then call his family and friends to tell them the "big news?"  The other side of the coin being if a more notorious criminal is added to an already full list, causing someone to be bumped.  Is that guy dejected, feeling disrespected?

..."(AP) NEW YORK - Talk about an extreme makeover: Scientists have transformed one type of cell into another in living mice, a big step toward the goal of growing replacement tissues to treat a variety of diseases."  Probably the most significant news of the day.  A "big step" is an incredible understatement.  If a mutated rapidly dividing cell/cancer can be turned into a non mutated rapidly dividing cell...

August 27, 2008    Left lick twice---no thanks

..."(AP) ATLANTA - The tireless tongue already controls taste and speech, helps kiss and swallow and fights germs. Now scientists hope to add one more ability to the mouthy muscle, and turn it into a computer control pad."  Suttle World will pass, citing taste and sanitation objections to stay with the trusty fingers.

...Hot off the wire:  "DENVER (CNN) – Hillary Clinton will be on hand for Barack Obama's acceptance speech, but according to a source close to former President Bill Clinton, he will not: the source tells CNN that Clinton will not join his wife at Invesco Field Thursday night."  Satan's speech last night was more than adequate, and while hope is dwindling, Suttle World can still hold out for some sort of floor fight regarding tonight's roll call, or Thursday's VP nomination.

August 26, 2008    Democrats:  we're not dead yet

..."[t]he torch will be passed again to a new generation of Americans..." so sayeth Sen. Ted Kennedy in a "surprise" short speech to the first night of the Democratic National Convention in Denver.  Suttle World hastens to point out that the torch is only a metaphor.  An actual lit torch would emit greenhouse gasses and further contribute to manmade global warming.  Meanwhile, wife of Benson did just fine---didn't say shit, but did it in an appropriate, cheerful manner.  The markets also chimed in with their own special welcoming present for delegates, with the DOW down nearly 250 points for the week's first day of trading.

..."(AP) WASHINGTON - Talk about animal magnetism, cows seem to have a built-in compass. No bull: Somehow, cattle seem to know how to find north and south, say researchers who studied satellite photos of thousands of cows around the world.  Most cattle that were grazing or resting tended to align their bodies in a north-south direction, a team of German and Czech researchers reports in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.  And the finding held true regardless of what continent the cattle were on, according to the study led by Hynek Burda and Sabine Begall of the faculty of biology at the University of Duisburg-Essen in Germany."  Yet another contract falls through the hands of the Suttle World Institute of Studying Really Stupid Stuff (pouring over satellite pictures of cows?!!!).  No map, no gas station, no problem:  just stop and ask a cow for directions.

..."(Reuters) On average, an uninsured American pays $583 out of pocket toward average annual medical costs of $1,686 per person, Hadley's team reported in the journal Health Affairs. The annual medical costs of Americans with private insurance average far more -- $3,915, with $681, or 17 percent, paid out of pocket, the report found."  And that doesn't count the cost of insurance premiums.  So liberals want to socialize a health care system, or 14% of US GDP, so that 47 million uninsured Americans can save an average of $583 in doctors bills each year?

...Current charts and graphs indicate stately Roberts/Suttle Manor is in for an Auntie Em moment in the next 10-15 minutes, as north Georgia welcomes the drenching rains that are the remnants of Fay.  Survival means same Bat time, same Bat station for tomorrow's shenanigans (great kid game show from BITD that nobody remembers).  Destruction means its been fun.

August 25, 2008    Study: crack heads have unprotected sex

..."(AJC) A study that interviewed HIV-infected crack users at Grady Memorial Hospital highlighted the risky behavior and lack of care among this population.  Researchers interviewed 190 HIV-infected crack-using patients at Grady and Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami over 14 months.  One-fourth of the group reported having unprotected sex in the last six months, half had not seen an HIV specialist in the last six months, and more than three-fourths were not getting important medical treatments."  Another opportunity missed by the Suttle World Institute of Studying Really Stupid Stuff.  In other shocking findings, the study uncovered that crack users also failed to brush after every meal and did not look both ways before crossing streets.

..."(AP) Omaha, Neb. — Nebraska’s new “safe-haven” law allowing parents to abandon unwanted children at hospitals with no questions asked is unique in a significant way: It goes beyond babies and potentially permits the abandonment of anyone under 19."  Insert joke here.

..."(New York Post) A one-legged hooker was killed in Brooklyn after a john hit her over the head, causing her to fall backwards out of her wheelchair and slam her skull against the wall, cops said yesterday."  Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called called the tragedy just another casualty of the Bush tax cuts for the rich.

August 24, 2008    Olympics mercifully set to end

..."(AP) BEIJING - A Spanish tenor, a British soccer star and a throng of kung-fu fighters are among the scheduled closing-ceremony attractions Sunday night as China concludes its first Olympics and hands over the role of Summer Games to London."  The operative, and most important word, is CLOSING, be it with kung-fu fighters or midget wrestlers.  Finally, the world's largest commercial advertisement can be put back into the closet for another four years.

..."(AP) ELKIN, N.C. - David Hayes' granddaughter just asked him to hold her Barbie rod and reel while she went to the bathroom. He did. [Suttle World assumes she did as well] And seconds later he landed the state record channel catfish at 21 pounds, 1 ounce.  The Winston-Salem Journal reported the catch Aug. 5 in eastern Wilkes County has been certified as a record by the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission.  Hayes said his granddaughter worried he would break her rod. He landed the 21-pound fish on a 6-pound test line. It was 32 inches long, 2 inches longer than the rod."  Attention Bass Pro Shop customers:  the final facade of fishing has now fallen like a sound stage's cardboard set.  What most have suspected for many years is now axiomatic:  fishing is an excuse to drink beer, period.  Fear not my addled angling amigo, just because you've been "outed," this could still be a very liberating and lucrative turn of events.  No longer must fishing dude spend hours perusing the aisles of Bass Pro Shop and similar retailers to drop thousands of dollars in an attempt to make their rouse look legit.  Now, all that money and time can be spent buying and drinking more beer.  Suttle World and Falstaff, the official beer of Suttle World, salute fishermen worldwide on getting over for several millennium. 

...The Atlanta Braves are celebrating the 30th anniversary of one of the worst teams in MLB history by performing the remainder of the season in a similar fashion to honor Preston Hanna and his fellow teammates on the '78 Braves that came close to losing 100 games.  They were beaten unmercifully Friday night at St. Louis, where the Cardinals pounded Braves pitchers for 26 hits in an 18-3 thrashing at Busch Stadium.  Yesterday, they fell out of character by erupting for five runs in the last two innings of an 8-4 win that snapped a six-game losing skid.  Atlanta would have to go 8-24 for the remainder of the 2008 campaign to equal the '78 club's 97 losses, but Suttle World believes it to be within the grasp of this particular team.

...Props to Commissioner Jordan on the completion of the most successful season ever in Wiffle Atlanta's four year history.  The 2008 campaign came to a close yesterday afternoon after completion of an All-Star game that required 12 innings to resolve.  Suttle World will not attempt to recreate the awards that were handed out for fear of getting some wrong.  What is certain is that the 2008 John Smoltz award was won overwhelmingly by fellow Suttle World Senator, Neil Bowen.  Cuzin Neil did not lead the league in ERA, settling instead for an 8-1-1 record in 70 innings pitched.  Also announced yesterday by the Commissioner, was that the league is going to try an short, experimental fall league.  Details are TBD.

August 23, 2008    Benson picks Biden

..."WASHINGTON (AP) - Barack Obama named Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware as his vice presidential running mate early Saturday, balancing his ticket with a seasoned congressional veteran well-versed in foreign policy and defense issues."  The long national nightmare is over.  Suttle World likes Biden, and believes him to have been Benson's best choice---bringing strong, albeit misguided, foreign policy credentials to a campaign that has struggled at times in its banter with the press concerning international issues.  In fact, Biden's fate was sealed when Benson gave this answer to the evangelical Saddleback Church in Orange County last Saturday.

...Tropical Storm Fay brought along with her the annual Florida Feces Float Festival as heavy rains have given the Sunshine State and south Georgia a major soggy beat down this week.  Now she's on the move to the northwest at hefty 7 MPH pace.  BFD says the gentle surfer who is not located in the storm's path.  That is until it is understood that residual bands of Fay may well effect Wiffle Atlanta's season ending soirée today at Glenlake Park in Decatur.  On tap for the final day of action are the Rookie Game, Home Run Derby, and the always highly anticipated late summer classic, the Wiffle Atlanta All-Star Game.  All-Star rosters were announced Thursday. Rain shouldn't be much of an issue, but air speed may,  with a wind advisory in effect.  Still, its fan appreciation day.  Each paid admission is guaranteed to not be killed by heat stroke on a late August afternoon in the ATL.  Suttle World dares the gentle surfer to find that kind of deal anywhere else..  Also on tap for today are the announcement of this year's award winners.  Guided well by NHL tradition, Commissioner Jordan has quite rightly decided to name some of the various awards, and has also been deferential to his adopted home town by using great Braves as namesakes for the honors.  The amusing part has been to watch the discussion of which Braves to choose.  The John Smoltz Award will be given to the league's best pitcher, and there was much back and forth as whether Greg Maddux or Tom Glavine should not also receive consideration.  One even suggested Phil Niekro.  All are or will be Hall of Famers, and well worthy of consideration.  What Suttle World found rib tickling was that nobody mentioned the winingest left hander in MLB history, and the only Brave to play in Boston, Milwaukee and Atlanta.  The Chipper Jones Awards is given to the player with the best year at the plate.  No mention of a guy Suttle World recalls being the MLB all time RBI leader, second in at-bats, home runs, third in all time hits, etc...  With Andruw Jones gone, there's a mystery as to for whom the Gold Glove should now be named, and no mention of Clete Boyer---a relatively short time Braves, but as good a defensive third baseman the game has ever seen.  Just ask Brooks Robinson.  Memo to the yungins:  these are not dead ball era players!

..."(AP) NEW YORK - Olympic superstar Michael Phelps will write a book telling the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims just in time for the holiday season, Free Press, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, announced Friday."  Now that's news.  Suttle World recommends the new fine point Sharpie for the first draft---it doesn't run when it gets wet.  Sources close to Suttle World, indicate that Phelps may actually appear in a television commercial before the year's end.

...Speaking of Suttle World sources, props to correspondent Dirk Bremen, who has been quite rightly been acknowledged by the prestigious website zoominfo.com---THE place to "find people and companies™"   Though preliminary work has begun on Dirk's profile (that can be accessed by scrolling down the page to his name on the alphabetically listed page linked above), advice and counsel has also been sought from a select group of others---each warm personal friends of Dirk who have been asked to appropriately characterize Bremen's resume.  

..."(WNBC.com) Verlyn and Judith Adamson of Mount Horeb each claimed a $350,000 jackpot this week for having the winning numbers in the state SuperCash drawing last Saturday.  But they didn't mention at the time that they also held two more of the winning tickets.  They claimed two more $350,000 jackpots Thursday. All four were purchased at different locations, but with the same numbers and for the same drawing.  Verlyn Adamson, an accountant, said earlier in the week that he's a big fan of math puzzles. He claims he developed a formula for lottery picks, but his winnings have been small until now.  But Steven Post, a mathematics professor at Edgewood College in Madison, said there is no way to devise a strategy for finding the winning numbers in a game that uses randomly generated numbers to determine the winning combination."  Suttle World greatly appreciates Professor Post's insight into this issue.  They're stupid freakin' ping pong balls!  They don't remember the last number sucked up the shoot!

...CHICAGO (Reuters) - There's a new sheriff in jail.  Sheriff Mark Curran of Lake County, Illinois, walked into his own jail on Wednesday to spend a week as a prisoner, saying he was divinely inspired to learn what it was like to be confined and to sample jail programs designed to reduce recidivism."  Suttle World isn't certain about the ecumenical angle, but, generally speaking, believes it to be a damn good idea.

August 22, 2008     Farewell Gene Upshaw

...A most regretful AMF to Gene Upshaw.  Suttle World wants to set the record straight.  Yes, Upshaw, as long time head of the player's union, never conquered  the issue of guaranteed contracts, and perhaps was not the best advocate retired players had.  Now the objective part.  Upshaw played 245 NFL games as an interior lineman in three different decades.  In his term as NFLPA president, NFL players saw a greater increase in their average salaries than did any other athletes in any other professional sport.  This year, the players will take home 60% of the league's gross revenue.  Upshaw was a giant, and won the ultimate battle against a younger group of misguided players by dying before he could be fired.

...Inquiring minds want to know.  Idle minds, such as Suttle World's just sit and wonder about really stupid stuff.  Suttle World can envision a kinda whacky, ardent McCain supporter see his guy take a couple of shots to the chops late this week---the uncertainty about his housing inventory, and Benson supposedly having each gentle surfer's shorts about to be soiled anxiously awaiting announcement of his running mate.  So what's our whacky supporter to do?  Cram a threatening note and some Sweet N' Lo into an couple envelopes and mail them to various campaign headquarters?  Sure changes the news agenda.  Sure its a whacky theory, but the pre dawn hours percolate whacky notions.

..."(Times Online) The International Olympic Committee has ordered an investigation into mounting allegations that Chinese authorities covered up the true age of their gold-medal winning gymnastics star because she was too young to compete."  Ever willing to cooperate, the Chinese government said it would immediately begin scouring 1.3 billion birth certificates in order to authenticate the young lady's eligibility.  Of course, Chinese chick is 12, but aside from amputating a limb and counting rings in the stump... 

..."NEW YORK (AFP) - With a fortune estimated at 35 billion dollars, Thailand's King Bhumibol Adulyadej is the world's richest royal sovereign, and oil-rich Sheikh Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan of Abu Dhabi is far back at No. 2, Forbes magazine reported Thursday."  And Suttle World thought Yul Brynner was dead.

..."(AP) Harvard University is the country's oldest, wealthiest and most selective university. Now it's back on top of the U.S. News & World Report college rankings, claiming sole possession of the No. 1 spot for the first time in 12 years.  Princeton slips to No. 2, ending eight straight years of at least sharing the top ranking. The latest edition hits newsstands Monday, but was to be published Friday on the magazine's Web site.  So how did Harvard edge past its Ivy League rival? A comparison of last year's numbers points to one category where it moved ahead of Princeton — average class size. Harvard reports the percentage of students in classes under 20 students rose from 69 percent to 75 percent since last year's report, while the percentage in classes bigger than 50 fell from 13 percent to 9 percent."  A spokesperson for Vision Bible College in Marsing, ID announced in a press conference yesterday, that the school would begin its push for next year's number one ranking by reducing class sizes 60%.  Suttle World would also point out the obvious---reduced demand often results in lower class sizes, although not necessarily the case here.

August 21, 2008    Benson's poll dance

...Young, fast, scientific and behind in several of the major polls.  Suttle World will not "call" Benson's campaign  by any means, having already been burned by the humiliation of premature rejection---pronouncing Uncle Ernie's campaign dead when it truly appeared lifeless in January.  Still, Zogby having McCain ahead by five points in this part of the game is a most interesting turn of events.  All other major polling organizations now have the race as a statistical dead heat.  Benson will deliver his sermon on the Mile High next Thursday.

..."WEDNESDAY, Aug. 20 (HealthDay News) -- Working-age Americans are facing mounting problems when it comes to affording health care, a result of what analysts are calling a "perfect storm" of economic woes.  In 2007, 41 percent of working-age Americans -- 72 million people -- reported having medical bill problems or trouble paying off medical debts, up from 34 percent in 2005."  The Suttle World Institute of Studying Really Stupid Stuff has looked at the data, and Suttle World comes away with a simple, singular conclusion:  bullshit.  The possible exception would be if "having medical bill problems" includes just not wishing to pay the suckers.

...Bringing more palatable offerings to the gentle surfer, comes cuzin Matt with another installment of Bruner's Texas Takes >>>>>>>>>

August 20, 2008    Bigfoot a shocking hoax

..."ATLANTA (AP) - Turns out Bigfoot was just a rubber suit. Two researchers on a quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot say that the carcass encased in a block of ice - handed over to them for an undisclosed sum by two men who claimed to have found it - was slowly thawed out, and discovered to be a rubber gorilla outfit.  Steve Kulls, executive director of squatchdetective.com and host of Squatchdetective Radio, says in a posting on a Web site run by Bigfoot researcher Tom Biscardi that as the "evidence" was thawed, the claim began to unravel as a giant hoax.  First, the hair sample was burned and "melted into a ball uncharacteristic of hair," Kulls said in the posting."  Suttle World just knew there would be a worthwhile payoff to the story---not in it being a hoax, but the mental image of "researchers" having just forked out big bucks, donned in really cool looking surgical gear purchased from a nearby medical supply store, waiting on the rubber monkey to thaw so that their meticulous testing could begin.  Put that scene on You Tube, and that's entertainment!....much more so than finding Big Foot. 

...Suttle World invites the gentle surfer to the land of make believe.  Make believe Michael Phelps has no notoriety.  Make believe, and mentally Photoshop the Sports Illustrated mast head from the pic to the right.  The Suttle World Institute of Studying Really Stupid Stuff did just that with a sample of 1,487 adult Americans.  When asked what the picture was, 86% responded an ad of a product for gay men, but they didn't know exactly what.  14% said it was a 1976 patron of a teen disco.  Sure, SI has become irrelevant, but people still occasionally look at the illustrated portion while waiting in the doctor's office. This is the legacy of 8 gold medals?  Suttle World trusts the  Wheaties box will be more kind. 

..."(LiveScience.com)  Men with big mugs are more aggressive, a new study of hockey players suggests.  Men in general have wider faces than women do, a difference in the sexes that emerges at puberty as testosterone levels rise. At the same time, testosterone is tied with aggression, leading researchers to search for a link between aggression and wide faces.  Aside from this being yet another piece of research better consigned to the previously mentioned Suttle World Institute of Studying Really Stupid Stuff, the story fails to mention if the researchers controlled for the variable that maybe hockey players with wide faces were angry over having their grills spread across a piece of Plexiglas in a violent fashion.  Previous studies show this  anger is also linked to aggression.

...Speaking of aggression, if the West doesn't become more aggressive with Russia regarding Georgia, what will be the response when they roll into the Ukraine---Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan?  Suttle World does fear dusting off the 40+ year old boogie man/the Domino Theory, but it seems a questions worthy of further examination.  Either that, or determine which candidate loves Jesus more.

..."(AP) SYDNEY, Australia - A lost humpback whale calf that bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother will likely die within days if it doesn't find another mother to adopt it, a wildlife official said Tuesday."  Let not the gentle surfer's heart be troubled.  Suttle World is confident that the humpback yellow short-boat will row by, apply the hockey helmet and lead the "navigationally challenged" calf to sea. (BITD such whales were simply called retarded---an appalling state of affairs, upon reflection).

..."(AP) BOSTON - Hall of Famer Carl Yastrzemski, the last player to hit for the Triple Crown, was resting comfortably Tuesday night after having triple bypass heart surgery. Yastrzemski, who turns 69 on Friday, had the operation at Massachusetts General Hospital, where he underwent tests after experiencing chest pains in the morning, said his spokesman, Dick Gordon."  Suttle World extends its best to Yaz for a full and speedy recovery.

..."(AP) SAN FRANCISCO - Hewlett-Packard Co. weathered economic turbulence remarkably well in the fiscal third quarter but the technology bellwether faces another big challenge — stiffer personal-computer competition — that threatens to slow its steady growth.  However, HP's profits were hurt by higher prices for some of its parts and a shift toward cheaper PCs, trends that are affecting other PC manufacturers but that HP offset somewhat with better sales of technology services and software. HP's gross profit margin — its profit on each dollar of revenue once manufacturing costs are stripped out — was 24.2 percent of revenues, down slightly from the year-ago period."  A 24.2% GROSS MARGIN!!!  That's 250% higher than evil Exxon-Mobil!!!!!!!  Break up HP.  Windfall printer taxes!!!  Cease off shore toner drilling!!!  Look for Mit)henomics, the movie, coming soon to a theater near the gentle surfer.

August 19, 2008    Chanting condoms

..."(AFP) A cell phone ringtone that chants "condom, condom!" has been launched in India to promote safe sex and tackle the growing HIV/AIDS epidemic.  The "condom a cappella" has been designed to break down Indians' reluctance to discuss condom use and to make wearing a condom more acceptable."  Suttle World sees a couple of problems here.  First, AFP, typically a reasonably reliable news wire, almost certainly misuses the term epidemic.  Its a subjective word defined as a number of cases at a rate that substantially exceeds what is "expected..."  2.5 million Indians are infected with HIV in a nation of 1.3 BILLION---hardly an epidemic by any "expectation."  Second, the new campaign may actually succeed.  Suttle World believes that if a chanting condom don't cause sexual dysfunction....Its the law of unintended consequences, but it works in the short run, and is an eventual boon to the boner pill purveyors. 

..."(AP) CHICAGO - When it comes to saving lives, God trumps doctors for many Americans. An eye-opening survey reveals widespread belief that divine intervention can revive dying patients. And, researchers said, doctors "need to be prepared to deal with families who are waiting for a miracle." More than half of randomly surveyed adults — 57 percent — said God's intervention could save a family member even if physicians declared treatment would be futile..."  Count Suttle World among the majority who believes that God could.  The only problem is that God doesn't.  When all of Grandpa's monitors begin beeping, and the lines are all flat, its a message from God:  "pray for the mortuary's phone number."

...Now Chelsea is going to speak at the Democratic Convention???  Suttle World is increasingly of the opinion that the party is simply too stupid to take full advantage of the target rich environment in which they find themselves in this election cycle.  Various press reports have Benson announcing his VP choice sometime today or Wednesday.  Sources close to Suttle World indicate that Sox the cat remains on the short list.

...Football is quickly upon the American landscape, with many high schools already having returned to the grid iron over the past weekend.  Suttle World enjoys beating the Georgia folks about the head and shoulders as much as any gentle surfer, but must admit to some pity as the 2008 campaign begins.  Officially ranked #1 in the pre season AP poll, there's only one way for Georgia to go---south, and its assured given their schedule.  If it runs the table, Georgia is among the greatest college football teams in history.  If it raises the dead, Suttle World is among the front runners for the next Pope.

August 18, 2008    Rain and sundry other thrills

...A tropical storm in the Caribbean and its resultant rainfall on the North American continent is rarely news, but  those who have dwelled in drought like conditions the past several years are somewhat encouraged by the projected path of Fay.  The return voyage from the Suttle World western North Carolina satellite HQ confirmed that many continue to enjoy their mud front homes on now renamed Puddle Hartwell---the least low of north Georgia's man made lakes.  The north Georgia water basin would not appear to be in for a much needed dousing it so richly deserves, but any little bit helps, including others in Fay's rainy route.

..."(AP) SAN FRANCISCO - Online DVD rental leader Netflix, Inc. resumed normal shipments Friday after its distribution centers were crippled by three days of severe technical problems, a spokesman said.  The Los Gatos-based company also offered a 15 percent credit to customers whose discs were delayed by the outage.  The outage held up shipments for about a third of the company's 8.4 million subscribers, meaning the total value of the credits could run into the millions of dollars."  Suttle World speculates that the issue could have been resolved in less than a day if over half the nation were not standing in bread lines---enduring the most devastating economic depression in the history of capitalism.

..."(AP) GORI, Georgia - Russia said its troops began withdrawing from the conflict zone in Georgia on Monday, including the strategic central city of Gori, "according to the peace plan" that sought to end fighting has reignited Cold War tensions."  Folks in Georgia report they haven't seen anybody going anywhere.  Memo to Russia:  don't make Suttle World come over there!

...Props to the DeKalb Division regular season and playoff winning Yellow Jackets who are now 2008 Wiffle Atlanta Champions following a weekend win over the Fulton Division's expansion Wifflesaurus in an action packed five game series that went the distance.  Saturday marks the final gathering of this year's campaign, as the league quite rightly celebrates a season well played with the Rookie Game, Home Run Derby, and always compelling All Star Game.  Balloting is currently underway.  The action starts at 1:00 at Glenlake Park in Decatur.

August 17, 2008    Moke makes splash at Olympics

...Suttle World is of the mind that the particular display settings on the official PC of the Suttle World western North Carolina satellite HQ to be the issue.  Suttle World's home page simply can't look as bad as it would appear on this end---a sharp contrast to other viewings observed in different locales.  Still, this is a Microsoft application, and ever inept staff at work here as well...

...Props to Michael Phelps.  His future earnings potential has increased in a parabolic fashion over the past week.  Perhaps even more difficult than winning eight gold medals will be successfully managing the task of "what now?" that will be Phelps' job for the remainder of his natural life.  Before departing aquatics, now that the life guard has announced "everybody out of the pool," Suttle World believes it most worthy of mentioning what it believes to be a happening even more stunning than Phelps'.  The headline from the South African Times, "Slow Schoeman Faces Chop from Relay," is simply unfair!  Cuzin Moke has more than enough on his plate.  Throw in gaining South African citizenship and then making the swim team in such a short period of time is a story in and of itself.

...To paraphrase the legendary Warner Wolf:  if the gentle surfer bet that the Wiffle Atlanta website would be updated to reflect the first day of play in the 2008 Wiffle Atlanta World Series, you lose!  Either the Yellow Jackets or Wifflesauras has or will prevail as this year's champion.  Suttle World suspects it was an early deadline for the Sunday edition as the reason scores were not published in this morning's Hendersonville Times-News.

..."(AP) COLUMBIA --- A South Carolina senator said saggy pants are a setback to the civil rights movement and should be banned.    Sen. Robert Ford said he will propose a law banning the style, taking statewide an effort by some Charleston City Council members to outlaw it locally."  Memo to Sen. Ford:  Suttle World appreciates your incredible frustration and anger about as well as its lily white ass will allow.  That being said, Suttle World does not believe that enhancing civil rights is achieved by restricting what and how folks wear clothes.

August 16, 2008

...Yes, a brief update this cool, overcast morning from 2300 feet above sea level (that's as of last night. Of course sea levels have probably risen a couple hundred feet in the interim) at the Suttle World western North Carolina satellite HQ.  First, is a techno experiment to achieve more expedited remote publication that has proved most time consuming in the past.  Second, there's the typical Suttle World sage insight upon which the gentle surfer has become so reliant.

...Shout out to cuzin Robbie in the land of cheese for his bladder busting tome of disgust regarding rather sensitive subject matter.  As to whether or not to extend props to cuzin Sal of Bean Town for bringing the not so delicate issue to the attention of several remains a work in progress.  Cryptic?  To those who believe, no explanation is necessary.  For those who don't, no explanation will suffice.  The game continues:  the first one to find the fudge wins the Holy War.

...Thirty one years ago
    On a hot Memphis day
    The king sat on the throne
    And quickly passed away       Elvis would have been 71.

...Michael Phelps taking his eighth gold medal in the 100 meter butterfly last night was about as good as swimming race gets---a dubious distinction, but one does the best with what one has.  Memo to Serbian swimmer dude:  touch the wall, Mit)h!

...BIGFOOT..."(AP)  PALO ALTO, Calif. - Bigfoot or big fat lie? Whenever someone reports sighting the hairy beast of yore (details always fuzzy) or capturing the hirsute humanoid on film (images always grainy), it scares up a dubious debate of international proportions. Friday was just the latest episode in the Sasquatch show, as unreal as it may be.  "Everyone who has talked down to us is going to eat their words," predicted Matt Whitton, an officer on medical leave from the Clayton County Police Department."  That's right, an honest to God certified peace officer is among those who claim to have found the creature.  Yes, Suttle World is skeptical.  While Suttle World understands that the airlines are really beefing up surcharges for extra luggage, it would seem to have been prudent to buy the beefy cryo-corpse a coach seat, and shlep it along to Palo Alto---beats a grainy photo of the Phoenix Suns mascot crammed into a Fridgedaire.

August 15, 2008  Russia feels exposed to western nuke threat, good

..."(AP) MOSCOW - A top Russian general said Friday that Poland's agreement to accept a U.S. missile defense battery exposes ex-communist nation to attack, possibly by nuclear weapons, the Interfax news agency reported."  The statement by Gen. Anatoly Nogovitsyn is the strongest threat that Russia has issued against the plans to put missile defense elements in former Soviet satellite nations."  Suttle World salutes the keenly astute General Nogovitsyn, and congratulates him on being the winner of this week's Suttle World No Feces, Sherlock Award.  You are quite correct that Russia is exposed to a nuclear attack directly upon the genitals of both yourself and every other high ranking Russian military and governmental official, with 7,500 left over to create general mayhem.  Please be governed accordingly.

...Suttle World is increasingly fascinated by the potential of almost fully realizing its dreams of Korean parliamentary fist fights breaking out on the floor of the upcoming Democratic convention in Denver.  Satan's gonna speak before a roll call into which her name will be placed for nomination---no acclamation for Benson.  Suttle World doesn't believe it a stretch to foresee the bitter, pursed lipped, Satan gang/soccer moms +8 years staging an extraordinary demonstration; and there's still the real possibility of the VP scenario Suttle World has already addressed, with Benson cross-town at Mile High.  It could still get good.

..."(AP) CHICAGO - National Guard and Reserve combat troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are more likely to develop drinking problems than active-duty soldiers, a new military study suggests. The authors speculate that inadequate preparation for the stress of combat and reduced access to support services at home may be to blame.  The study, appearing in Wednesday's Journal of the American Medical Association, is the first to compare Iraq and Afghanistan veterans' alcohol problems before and after deployment."  Suttle World is dumbfounded by the underlying premise of the previous lead/story---that alcohol and other drug abuse can be attributed to a psychological issue up to and including severe disorders.  Doesn't everyone know that "alcoholism" is a disease in and of itself, where the only hope of regaining any semblance of a semi-functional life is cessation and a subsequent obsession with cessation---always being just a frog hair's away from the next drink?  Suttle World is appalled that such unorthodoxy be allowed to see the light of day, and apologizes to exposing the squeamish gentle surfer to same.

...Props to the great American rock n' roll guitarist, Ross the Boss, who along with band mates, is expected to be on hand tonight for a listening party for "New Metal Leader", Ross' new album at The Ace of Clubs in New York City.  The lp will be available at an re or etailer near the gentle surfer as of the release date:  next Friday, August 22. 

...Its a getaway day for Suttle World as it relocates to the western North Carolina satellite HQ for a well deserved, long weekend.  Suttle World may or may not continue remote publication in the interim depending solely on its whim.  Should updates discontinue, Suttle World will be back at the helm Monday morning at the latest.  Courage.

...Finally, in the event there is no publication over the weekend, let it be known that the 2008 Wiffle Atlanta World Series will be played out this coming Saturday and Sunday (if necessary) as the Dekalb Division Champion Yellow Jackets take on the Fulton Division pennant winning Wifflesaurus.  Both teams won their respective regular season titles as well.  Tickets are still available (in five game blocks only!) at the box office.  Its a best of five game contest---as to whether 2 or 3 games are to be played Saturday is TBD as of this writing.

August 14, 2008  Bigfoot found!  Searchers continue tracking Big Mit)h

..."(AJC) The search for Bigfoot, the mythical half-man/half-gorilla beast also known as Sasquatch, may have ended in Georgia.  According to a press release issued by "Searching For Bigfoot," a California-based Web site, two men have not only found the corpse of a 7-foot-7, 500-plus pound man-monkey, but they've also found a tribe of his brethren living at an undisclosed location in the North Georgia mountains.  The men are to appear at a press conference in California with "DNA evidence and photo evidence" on Friday."  Suttle World will refrain from shooting fish in a barrel---at least until after tomorrow's press conference.

...The Rev. Jesse Jackson has spoken at every Democratic convention since 1984, but that streak may come to an end this year, according to sources inside the DNC.  The source also speculated that neither Suttle World nor Barry Goldwater would be speaking when Democrats assemble in Denver later this month.

...Whatever happened to Ish Kabibble?  Benson and Uncle Ernie have yet to pick running mates...  

..."(AP) WASHINGTON - The United States challenged Russia to keep its word to end a crushing invasion of U.S.-backed Georgia, siding decisively with the former Soviet republic and rejecting Russian justifications."  Weenie diplomacy that Suttle World is more than happy to "punch up."  Memo to Vlad:  you're now suspended indefinitely from the G8, and face expulsion in the absence of a full and complete withdrawal.  Trade while you can, because Russia is about to become economically isolated from the rest of the world.  Finally, please be advised that Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, Khrushchev, et al are dead.  Feel free to follow in their footsteps.

...What do the current equity markets and the lottery's daily number have in common?  Everything.  "(AP) NEW YORK - Wal-Mart Stores Inc. said Thursday second-quarter profit rose 17 percent and raised its full-year forecast as the world's largest retailer benefits from low prices that are attracting financially squeezed shoppers in a challenging economy and its campaign to cut costs."  Perhaps it was a different Wal-Mart about whom rumors regarding slightly lower than expected sales figures for the second quarter that pushed the DOW down over 200 points one day last week.  Russia and Georgia go to war in and around a major pipeline, and the price of oil continues to fall.  This is not a "stock pickers" market, its a blindfolded dart throwers market.

August 13, 2008 Bruner update

...The good news is that stately Roberts/Suttle Manor has received American Health Association certification as a field hospital.  The bad news is that neither of the denizens can fully appreciate the distinction due to their respective infirmities.  Suttle World suspects that it has had another gastric gasket failure, but awaits an analysis of its precious bodily fluids for confirmation.  Meanwhile, in the north ward, the Lady of the Manor, now armed with industrial strength oral antibiotics, continues to battle acute bronchitis.  More scintillating details as they unfold.  In the interim, the remainder of the universe will have to press forward without commentary.

...But all is not lost for the gentle surfer, and some may find their surfing experience to be that much more pleasant with less Suttle World, and more tales from cuzin Matt who checks in with yet another stellar installment of Bruner's Texas Takes >>>>>

August 11, 2008  Caray Memorial Service Today at 4:00

...A memorial service for legendary Braves announcer Skip Caray, who died Aug. 3, will be begin today at 4:00 at Christ the King Cathedral on the corner of Peachtreee Road and Peachtree Way.  A public gathering outside Turner Field will be held Tuesday morning at 10:00.

...Props to Padraig Harrington, the only active professional player in the world who can sink a putt outside six feet, who captured his second consecutive major by taking the PGA Championship yesterday at Oakland Hills outside Detroit.  The two time defending Open champion added the PGA title to his resume by finishing 72 brutal holes at three under par (277).  Harrington is the first "European" win the PGA Championship since Tommy Armour of Scotland in 1930.  Chokio Garcia and Ben Curtis finished two strokes back.

..."TBILISI, Georgia (AP) - Russia and Georgia clashed on land and at sea Sunday despite a Georgian cease-fire offer and claim of withdrawal from the separatist province of South Ossetia, officials from both countries said."  Meanwhile, market futures are up slightly in anticipation of another trading week, and Suttle World is very confused.

..."(Financial Times) Japanese officials have warned that the economy is heading for recession, while UK data continue to deteriorate and the Reserve Bank of Australia has said it is set to cut interest rates.  Ulrich Leuchtmann at Commerzbank said in a note he expected the dollar to rise “like a phoenix”. He said low US interest rates were not a burden on the dollar but an attraction, proof that the Federal Reserve was able to react quicker to turmoil than other central banks."  Say it aint so!  The US public hasn't even gotten started good in its whine and moan shtick with refined petroleum products now equaling the cost of generic bottled water.  This is no time for growth.  A little respect here.  Allow the mourners to properly grieve the recession that never was before the economy begins greater acceleration.

...That's enough.  Suttle world has seen the US v. China basketball game, some water polo and badminton.  Time for the closing ceremonies.  

...A sad AMF this morning to Isaac Hayes.  Best known for the 1971 hit "Shaft," Hayes began his career writing songs, establishing a partnership with David Porter for the famous Stax label.  In the 1960s they wrote classic hits for Sam and Dave such as "Hold On, I'm Coming," "Soul Man," and "When Something is Wrong With My Baby." They also wrote for other Stax artists including Carla Thomas.  He was 65.

August 10, 2008  Not funny Vlad

..."TBILISI, (Reuters) - Russian fighter jets targeted the the major Baku-Tbilisi-Ceyhan (BTC) oil pipeline which carries oil to the West from Asia but missed, Georgia's Economic Development Minister Ekaterina Sharashidze said on Saturday. "This clearly shows that Russia has not just targeted Georgian economic outlets but international economic outlets in Georgia," she said at a news briefing."  Memo to Vlad:  your self aggrandizing  shtick over the past decade or so has been mildly amusing in your feeble efforts to govern a nation that history shows to be ungovernable excepting under a totalitarian regime.  Suttle World strongly suggests that it is in your own personal best interests, as well as that of the Russian citizenry, if you would limit your activities to that of Richard Daley as opposed to Steve and Idi Amin.

...The death of comic Bernie Mac at the age of 50 is sad new indeed, as is the case for most anyone who leaves this mortal coil at such a tender age, and at the top of their game.  Suttle World can only hope that Bernie got situated in the great beyond soon enough to catch Fox News coverage of his passing. If so, both he and Suttle World enjoyed one hell of a laugh.  ABC broke the story 15 minutes before Suttle World, with great reluctance, tossed the TV over to Fox while performing domestic duties around 9:45.  This meant enduring the last few minutes of the Saturday edition of Fox & Friends---the most insipid happy talk/"news" program in the history of the medium.  "This just coming in...evidently comedian Bernie Mac has died at a hospital in Los Angeles," announced the weekend bimbo of the ménage a garbage, who with laptop at the ready, stated she was trying to get more information.  Suttle World believes this to be the time that the dim bulb alit over the ditz's  head.  "Gee, I work for a TV news network.  Maybe I shouldn't be surfing the competition's sites for info..."  A brief Ralph Kramden stammer was followed by some disjointed explanation of how "their" news department kept urgent updates in a "special place," and that she would begin looking there.  The next tidbit was that Mac had died from pneumonia.  Then she learns from a wire report that Mac suffered from sarcoidosis, and read a three word definition.  This leads to the declaration that Mac's sarcoidosis had caused the pneumonia that resulted in his death.  Fox MENSA chick had performed a complete autopsy in 15 seconds without a body or gear.  Amazing!  Amazing that is until a few minutes later when they got a real MD on the phone who explained that sarcoidosis was often found in the lungs, but was not associated with pneumonia.  Res Mit)h loquitor.  Another incident where killing the messenger would work just fine, thank you.

...The final round of the 2008 PGA Championship begins today after finishing the third round this morning that was so rudely interrupted by severe weather in the Detroit area Saturday afternoon.  The final four pairings never got started.  The forecast for this afternoon looks very similar, so two of the year's last three majors may well be decided on a Monday.  At this point the leader is....nobody cares who the leader is since the last four groups never teed off for the third round.

...A quiet, lazy Saturday night at stately Roberts/Suttle Manor, so what's a distinguished couple to do?  If the gentle surfer answered:  dig into the Suttle World film vault for the oh so appropriate Charlie Chan at the Olympics, congratulations, another 50 bonus points is headed your direction (to be used in any manner the gentle surfer sees fit).  Yes, the 1937 classic was dusted off for viewing---culled from among the 36 Charlie Chan flicks housed at stately Roberts/Suttle Manor (including the rare Charlie Chan Takes a Nap and Charlie Chan at the Barber).  There was some discussion before the viewing as to whether the flick would fall into one of the many Chan films, and other of a somewhat later vintage, that served as propaganda films.  Quite to the contrary.  Warner Oland/Charlie Chan shows up in Berlin for the 1936 games to solve the mystery at hand.  Here, the Germans are accommodating and assist Detective Chan in finding "the killer we despise."  No Nazis, no Hitler, just a short piece of actual newsreel footage of Jesse Owens in the 400 meter relay.  Some research this morning, indicates the film was "pulled" shortly after its release---deemed a bit too friendly to the Third Reich.

...The Yellow Jackets are winners of the DeKalb Division Championship, and will advance to next weekend's 2008 Wiffle Atlanta World Series by virtue of a two game sweep over the upstart Swamp Donkeys.  Their opponent will be determined this afternoon as the expansion Wifflesaurus meet Home Run Army in a best of three game series.

August 9, 2008  Olympic opening envy of Andy Hardy

...Suttle World tosses in its polite "golf clap" to the pile of accolades heaped upon China yesterday for putting on an opening ceremonies that were splendid for those under the influence of a hallucinogen.  For the gentle surfer that watched in an unaltered state, it was a pretty good show as such half time presentations of steroids (so to speak) go.  All this despite awful production from NBC---way too much chit chat from dude with Costas in the booth, and spastic direction that failed to allow for the ceremonies to be seen as a whole.  And so begins 10 hours of compelling sport crammed into a three week commercial.  Fortunately August offers alternatives...

...Moving day has arrived at the 2008 PGA Championship at Oakland Hills---a track that has proved brutal, allowing only the leader, and great grand nephew of the famous detective Sherlock, J. B. Holmes, to post a red number at -1 after 36 holes.  Behind Holmes, are 20 others within 5 strokes of the lead---a somewhat dubious leaderboard that is not at all uncommon at this stage of the last major.  TNT begins coverage at 11:00 (EDT) this morning, with the baton passed to CBS at 2:00.  Just for giggles, Suttle World likes the Wi dude---only a couple top ten finishes this year, but nearly a million in the bank.  With a name like Charlie Wi...  Before leaving the links, Suttle World extends a hearty AMF to Orville Moody---winner of the '69 US Open, his only "tour" win.  A 14 year army vet, Moody won the Open through local and sectional qualifying.  He was 74.

...Its Divisional Championship weekend for Wiffle Atlanta.  Today the DeKalb Division will begat an entrant into the 2008 Wiffle Atlanta World Series as the regular season winning Yellow Jackets face off against the third seeded Swamp Donkeys in a best of three game series.  Sunday will decide the Fulton Division with the expansion regular season champs, Wifflesaurus taking on the #2 seed Home Run Army.  Both series will be played out at the usual venue---Glenlake Park in Decatur,  with game times set for 1:00.

...To ease the mind of the concerned gentle surfer, stately Roberts/Suttle Manor and its Georgian surrounds have yet to be threatened by Russian military aggression, and for that Suttle World is thankful.  Suttle World is also, once again, easily confused.  Russia and Georgia begin a real shootout, and the market is up over 300 points!?????  "It was already priced into the market," say the business pundits.  Huh?  Suttle World finds the logical extension to that "reasoning" to mean the DOW would have been up over 500 points if the hostilities hadn't broken out.

August 8, 2008 08-08-08

...08-08-08 = BFD.  The Olympic games open in Beijing---an event with all the excitement and pageantry of the Golden Globe Awards start, ironically enough at 8:08.  Suttle World is often easily confused, and this is no exception.  For the record stately Roberts/Suttle Manor rests in Eastern Time, and Beijing is exactly 12 hours "ahead" of EDT.  Suttle World knows not if the 16 hour parade will be televised live this morning, or if NBC will make those in the US wait until this evening for what amounts to "elevator television."  Suttle World is also unaware if it has been banned by the oppressive, murderous and malodorous RED Chinese government, but obviously its still desperately trying to obtain the distinction.  Taiwan forever!  Free Tibet! Buy one, get on free!  Attica! 

...Sometimes the old school method of wearing out some shoe leather and pressing the flesh is what's required in the sales business.  Take Speaker Nancy Pelosi, please.  Currently on a five week vacation from Congressional action on energy policy and the like, Pelosi has put her full efforts into touring the country and pimping her recently released tome Know Your Power.  Its paid off.  According to Nielsen Bookscan, 2,737copies of the book flew off the shelves during its first week, rivaling the demand for the print copy of cuzin Matt's Bruner's Texas Takes.  

...The weekend TV sports schedule will be tricky, so a complete rundown (excluding specific Olympic coverage---a Rubik's cube the gentle surfer will have to solve for itself) is here for the clicking.

...Suttle World extends its apologies to the gentle surfer for the more awkward than usual appearance of the Suttle World home page.  The wx.com folks ceased supporting the two weather "magnets" that have been a fixture, and suitable replacements have yet to be put in place.  Expect improvements soon.

August 7, 2008 Favre a Jet; PGA Underway

...Sports Thursday...The story broke overnight:  Brett Favre is a New York Jet.  Memo to Broadway Brett:  its a very long way from Lambeau to the oh so romantic swamps of northern Jersey (just ask that Bruce guy) upon which the Meadowlands sports complex and Jimmy Hoffa have been firmly affixed.  Word on the street is that the home crowds are a bit different at Jets games compared to those in Green Bay.  Suttle World also understands New York to have a few more media folk working than the crew that regularly covers the Packers.  Again, as to where Favre (a guy who hasn't missed a game in 16 years) goes in any fantasy draft will be the most intriguing pick, aside from #s 1-3.

...The red headed step child of the majors, the PGA Championship, gets underway this morning at Oakland Hills.  Remove Tiger from the field, and make the tournament compete with the opening of the Olympics, and even Suttle World has trouble mustering much excitement over the last big event of the 2008 tour.  Phil, who's only had one top 15 finish in majors since his idiotic meltdown drive on 18 to give away the 2006 US Open at Winged Foot, is an astonishing 7:1 favorite in the field of 155.  OK, so there's no great anticipation, accompanied by the sinking feeling that golf will refuse to shut it down after this weekend as should be the case.  Still, Suttle World points out what is often lost in the annual August event---its far and away the toughest major in any given year because its the strongest field of any major in any given year.  Watch and enjoy---its the best thing going this weekend (Thu & Fri 1:00 TNT).

...Fortunate for those teeing it up today in Michigan that Allan Saylor isn't in the field.  "(AP) BISMARCK, N.D. - Golfing for just the third time, 11-year-old Allan Saylor was whacking the ball around with a friend, not even keeping score. A hole-in-one? No big deal. The sixth-grader fired the ace Wednesday on the 150-yard, par-3 sixth hole at the neighboring Mandan Municipal Golf Course, using a driver borrowed from his buddy."

...The pic to the right is Georgia legend Vince Dooley.  A feature piece "At Home with the Dooleys" accompanies the AJC story that is published in this morning's edition.  The caption for the pic notes that Vince is shown admiring his hydrangeas.  Suttle World sets the over/under at 8 on the number of vowels Vince uses in pronouncing the plant's name.  If they're "Bah-brahhhh's" hydrangeas, it could make for a very long sentence indeed.

..."(ABC News) Sen. Hillary Clinton told a gathering of supporters last week that she's looking for a "strategy" for her delegates to have their voices heard and "respected" at the Democratic National Convention -- and did not rule out the possibility of having her name placed into nomination at the convention alongside Sen. Barack Obama's."  Its a start, but Suttle World has a much better scenario to achieve the Korean parliament fist fights so longed for on the Democratic convention floor.  Forget about the first roll call, and imagine the following:  Benson picks his boring white guy as a running mate; Satan backers see their last chance to throw a tantrum for not having their birth right of Satan's nomination thwarted by placing her name into nomination for the VP slot.  They don't have the votes, but could make it close and ugly.  Meanwhile, nominee Benson is 5 miles across town at Mile High with throngs watching the floor fight on the Jumbotron.  Suttle World does not see such a situation creating a great deal of party unity.  Dare to dream the big dream.

..."CARACAS, Venezuela (AP) - Riot police used tear gas Wednesday to block hundreds of Venezuelans protesting the latest moves by President Hugo Chavez to concentrate his power. The demonstrators said a blacklist of opposition candidates and a series of socialist decrees are destroying what's left of their democracy."  Suttle World is shocked, shocked!  How could such things happen in a worker's paradise?

August 6, 2008 Caray Memorial Service Announced

...The family of the late Braves announcer Skip Caray has announced plans for an public memorial service for Caray on Aug. 11 at Christ the King Cathedral.  The cathedral is located at the corner of Peachtree Street and Peachtree Avenue, just north of West Wesley Road. The service is scheduled to begin at 4 p.m.  In lieu of flowers, the Caray family asks that donations be made to any of the following: Camp Twin Lakes, Winship Cancer Institute at Emory University, and the Friends House.

...I beg your indulgence this morning.  This is a poor effort, but I felt as though I needed to say it, and its my damn web site...

         If the world’s population were to be ranked in the order of the number of hours they spent watching or listening to Skip Caray, there would be nearly a million folks ahead of me on the list.  Good times or bad, the Braves simply never became a part of my nightly summer entertainment diet.

Such was not the case with most of my peers, the retired couple in Florence, Alabama or hundreds of thousands of other living rooms where Skip and his broadcast buddies became every much a fixture as that end table that has been in the family for generations.  These people will quite rightly mourn Caray’s death as the loss of a dear friend.  I grieve Skip’s passing as the loss of a mentor, though much like his “friends” on the receiving end of any broadcast, Caray didn’t know any of us.

The occupations may have changed, but I strongly suspect that 10 year old boys still make big career decisions as has seemingly always been the case.  When I was 10, the choices were ballplayer, astronaut, policeman or fireman.  Those that chose doctor or lawyer were simply parroting what their parents had planted.  Let’s face it, what’s more fun: anything happening on those boring Perry Mason and Marcus Welby, MD shows, or riding on the back of a big red truck at a high rate of speed with lights and sirens and everything?  

I arrived in Atlanta from D.C. in 1968, the same year the Hawks had moved from St. Louis and set up shop on the Georgia Tech campus in what remains perhaps the best basketball venue for its capacity on the planet.  This confluence of events would lead this 10 year old to make his career choice.

Both before and after Skip’s unfortunate passing Sunday, there  has been much mention of 33 years with the Braves, but nothing of the irony that the Braves, the franchise that made him a household name, was the same ball club that put him out of business 42 years ago.  They arrived in Atlanta in 1966, and the Atlanta Crackers folded tent, along with Skip’s first gig out of school---calling Cracker games on radio.  He caught on with the Hawks when they came to town.

Listening to Skip call Hawks games was truly “the next best thing to being there” in an era when I occasionally got the chance to see not only a great Hawks team, but the likes Robertson, West, Chamberlain, Reed, Frazier, et al.  Caray vividly described each dribble with whit and an economy of words. His work also made the career choice obvious for this 10 year old.

          Some 20 years later I would walk into a tiny high school gym in Virginia , sit down, plug in, and call a basketball game---pretty damn well if I do say so myself, just like Skip had "taught" me.  A couple seasons in various small towns would follow.  Radio and I would come to a parting of the ways, and life continued.

          This week it pauses to mourn Caray’s death.  Though far from a long, storied career, I got to ride on the back of the fire truck when I grew up, and I know of few others that did.  Skip Caray gave me a passion to ride on the fire truck, and for that, I am forever indebted. 

          Thanks Skip. I’m going to miss you.

August 4, 2008 City Mourns Death of Skip Caray

...It is sad morning.  Skip Caray ended a spectacular 33 year run as the best play-by-play broadcaster this town will ever see when the 68 year old Caray died Sunday in his Sandy Springs home after battling numerous health issues for a number of years.  Atlanta, the Braves, and the entire sports community has lost a true giant.  Skip was smart, funny, and most importantly, a damn good play-by-play guy on both radio and TV.  Full coverage of the most unfortunate news is here.

August 3, 2008  Oh The Humanity! - Senators season halted in 1st round of playoffs

...Suttle World believes that it was Churchill who said, "score but three runs in two games, and you won't be playing next week."  The Suttle World Senators proved Sir Winston to be true yesterday.  After scoring two runs in the bottom of the first inning to tie game one, the bat rack fell silent, and the Swamp Donkeys prevailed 3-2, 1-0 in a sweep of the Senators to advance to next week's DeKalb Division championship against the regular season title holders, the Yellow Jackets (2-0 winners in their series yesterday against the Pirates).  Though what may have well been Suttle World's swan song in competitive Wiffle Ball came to a disappointing close yesterday, all Senators agreed that, on the whole, it was a well played season that unfortunately ended too soon---basically because every bounce that had gone the Senators way (allowing them to win 9 of their last 10) bounded in the other direction on a Saturday when it mattered the most.  Props to the Swamp Donkeys, an expansion ball club that represented proudly both yesterday, and during the regular season.  To the entire organization, and the enormous Swamp Donkey Nation, Suttle World extends a tip of the cap for games well played.  Suttle World also would like to extend its most sincere thanks to teammates, cuzins Blaine, Neil and Nathan for their always good natured fellowship in our efforts to rule the world.  An end of season Senators soirée is planned to the held at stately Roberts/Suttle Manor.  Details TBD.  Finally, although coverage will continue through the entire Wiffle Atlanta post season, Suttle World would be remiss for not availing itself to most every opportunity to send major props to Commissioner Jordan (has anyone got it yet?---nobody every really got Ralph Kramden yards, so Suttle World is doubtful).  Wiffle Atlanta's fourth season is rushing towards ending its most successful year ever.  Through the perseverance of overseeing the own seeds he sowed, Jordan has begat a true living-breathing institution out of whole cloth from his personal, private work.  No Rec Department to organize, no bowling alley at which to assemble, Wiffle Atlanta was simply willed into being by Jordan, and its a really neat thing to behold.

...Suttle World is getting no help here in its endeavor to be banned by the Chinese Olympic internet censors.  A prudent Chinese information control specialist might find it useful to know that agents of Suttle World are already clandestinely in place throughout Beijing, and will begin secretly handing out box sets that include The Bible, ...The Wealth of Nations and a Dictators CD to the multitudes during the games.  Each of these agents also plans to smuggle large quantities of ground walrus penis and pickled sturgeon brain out of China after the games.  Furthermore, rumors are circulating in the web community that the Suttle World empire has the power to spam each PC in China with naked images of Totie Fields.  Little help here, please?

...Speaking of the Suttle World Olympic embargo that it is failing to uphold..."(AP) XI'AN, China - Finally, China had an act of nature it could celebrate. After an Olympic year of freakish natural disasters, crowds of Chinese watched a total solar eclipse along the country's ancient Silk Road on Friday, one week before the start of the Summer Games in Beijing."  Unfortunately, now two-thirds of China's 1.5 billion citizens are blind from watching the eclipse---an issue that some sources close to Suttle World, indicate may prove problematic for those staging the upcoming games.  Fearing they would be perceived as a dietary supplement, a massive air lift of guide dogs was deemed to not be an effective solution, as Chinese officials and international relief organizations struggled with the national health emergency.

...It was at least a 4.4 on the 5 point Suttle World Auntie Em Scale (SWAES) yesterday evening in and around stately Roberts/Suttle Manor along with the entire metro area, and seemingly out of nowhere too.  Being the dutiful color pinhead weather geek that is Suttle World, it was embarrassing to be caught completely off guard as distant rumbles turned into Armageddon in a matter of minutes.  Stately Roberts/Suttle Manor appears to have received only minor, easily correctable, cosmetic damage---other portions of the city did not fare as well, but certainly nothing akin to the tornado clean ups from earlier this year.

..."WARSAW (AFP) - He has been dubbed the high priest of Catholic Kama Sutra, but Polish Friar Ksawery Knotz says that by giving married couples tips on how to practice divine sex he is simply doing God's work. Knotz has held retreats with more than 3,000 devoutly Roman Catholic couples in Poland since 2000, with the tacit blessing of church superiors ... and an approving nod from secular therapists. "  In addition to the sex tips, Friar Knotz also gives lessons on how couples should appropriately feel really really guilty in their post coitous anxiety.

August 2, 2008  Senators Begin Chase for Wiffle Atlanta Championship

...Its both playoff Saturday and a get away day for the Suttle World Senators.  The oddest small ball team in the history of the game enters the post season after posting a rather respectable 14-8 record to finish second in Wiffle Atlanta's DeKalb Division.  Today's best of three series is against the Division's third seeded Swamp Donkeys, a team over whom the Senators prevailed in a sweep of an early July doubleheader in the only meeting between the two teams during the regular season.  Start time today has been moved up until noon to accommodate Senator cuzin Blaine who has a date with a 7:07 flight to lovely Newark this evening.  The bad news, of course, is that cuzin Blaine may well have to hump it to hit the showers, enjoy a TSA full body-cavity search, and ride the choo-choo only to arrive at his gate just in time to learn the flight has been delayed an hour.  The good news is that if time does not permit for the deodorizing step one, dude is headed to Newark for God's sake.  Cuzin Blaine could step straight off the plane and instantly into a lucrative career as a Jersey cab driver.  Ace Wiffle Ball starter by day.  Ringing up the meter to $75 to ferry two Japanese tourists three miles by night, with a goat in the trunk to boot.  Blaine Milam, a true renaissance man.  The Pirates take on the regular season division champion Yellow Jackets in today's other DeKalb Divisional Series.  Two series in the Fulton Division are scheduled for tomorrow.  Updates as they happen.  Some three game ticket books remain at the box office as of this writing.

...Take these jokes, please.  "LONDON (Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.  It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."  Suttle World fully appreciates the concept of crawling before walking, so given its damn near 4000 years old, its not a bad start.  "It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.  A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."  Obviously comedy is much like the rest of the universe in that it evolves very slowly.  What's that, another ancient knee slapper?  Why not.  "The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."  But seriously, ladies and germs, you've been a great crowd.  Don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses, and, hey, try the haggis.  "The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk."

..."EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. (AP)—Deweycheatumnhowe, the horse with a funny name, is on a serious mission Saturday in the $1.5 million Hambletonian at the Meadowlands Racetrack.  The colt, named for a comedy routine about a crooked law firm, bids to become the first undefeated winner of harness racing’s most prestigious race. He puts a 14-race winning streak on the line against nine rivals in the 1-mile contest for 3-year-old trotters.  Like the Suttle World Senators, the throng of 47 harness racing fans will have to get an early start to allow for a featured eighth race post time of around 2:30 (NBC coverage begins at 2:00).  A field of ten will contend for the most coveted piece of hardware in the sport and a winner's share of the $1,750 purse.  If NBC can televise the Hambletonian, Suttle World wonders if the the finals of the Duckpin Professional Bowlers Association's premier event, The Masters, can be broadcast as well.  The tournament is set for November 7-9 at AMF Westview in Baltimore.  The always dangerous Mitch Lewinski (Suttle World could not make it up) is the current points leader for 2008 Bowler of the Year award half way through this year's campaign that culminates at The Masters.  Five others are well within striking distance (damn, I'm funny).

August 1, 2008  Augustus spreads disasthma through the land

...And so it came to pass that a new page was turned in the picture book of the Barber.  And when the page was turneth a new ruler had taken hold of all the land as far as the eye could see.  The people would know him as Augustus the Spritz, and they lived in a sticky fearful way as Augustus spread his ruthless tyranny of heat and humidity across all the lands for 31 days.  And it would come to pass that the people would beg their master Augustus for some relief from his hideous disasthma.  And Augustus would survey the multitudes in distress, and sayeth, "eat me."   Yes, Suttle World was cognizant that August had arrived overnight, but was also starkly reminded of the fact when stepping out of stately Roberts/Suttle Manor in the pre-dawn hours, only to be on the receiving end of a meteorological bitch slap.  Suttle World never ceases to be awed by Mother Nature.  Overnight, without a sound. she replaced the entire atmosphere with viscous, barely gaseous stuff that causes the gentle breather to suffer from temporary pneumonia with each inhalation of "air." 

...So what's a mother to do on a weekend when the thermostat is scheduled to be reset for an even higher 95° tomorrow as the insufferable humidity continues, and clear skies allow the direct sun to steam the planet further?  If the gentle surfer answered:  "play a best of three game series in Wiffle Atlanta Divisional Playoff action," the gentle surfer is correct, should award itself 25 points, and prepare to advance to the Lightning Round.  The Suttle World Senators look to advance as well, facing off against the Swamp Donkeys and heat stroke for a shot a next week's DeKalb Division Championship Series against the winner of tomorrow's Pirates/Yellow Jackets matchup.  Vegas lists the Senators as 3:2 favorites in tomorrow's series, having won nine of their last ten and 11 of their final 14 games of the regular season, including a sweep of a doubleheader against the Donkeys.  Look for updates Saturday afternoon on Suttle World, your official, one-stop, internet destination for the latest Wiffle Atlanta playoff scores (especially if we win).  Sunday, post season play gets underway in the Fulton Division where the upstart expansion Wifflesaurus enjoy the #1 seed by virtue of taking the pennant, and face the .500 Who You Whiff in their Divisional Playoff series.  The other Sunday contest features the #2 Home Run Army v. the third seeded veteran Muckdawgs. At this writing, tickets were still available at the box office---sold in three game packages only. 

..."(Blabbermouth.net) A listening party for "New Metal Leader", the new album from former MANOWAR guitarist ROSS THE BOSS, will be held on Friday, August 15 at The Ace of Clubs in New York City (see flyer for event below). The DJ will also be spinning some classic MANOWAR along with tons of other great metal. Be MAGUS BEAST, DEVILS ISLAND, ANGRY HOUR, REGALIA and OPEN DENIAL will perform live throughout the night. Admission is $10. [including the bold face all cap type face]"  The entire piece (and aforementioned flyer) regarding Ross the Boss, the great American rock n' roll guitar player, is here for the clicking.  Meanwhile, the countdown clock is ticking at Ross' website, carefully tended by the ever lovely, kind, thrifty, brave and loyal, Dawn Owar.  Sources close to Suttle World, like say Ross the Boss, indicate great anticipation over the release that is allegedly to be followed by extensive touring over the next year.  Details have yet to be hammered out.  Props to cuzin Bill, and his stellar blogging efforts, for contributing to this paragraph.

...Speaker Nancy Pelosi's book, Know Your Power: A Message to America's Daughters debuts at an astounding #1,571 in book sales on Amazon.com as of this morning.  Fear not Madame Speaker, the Teamsters' order has yet to be processed, and should help rocket your ranking into the top thousand with a bullet (just ask your former gavel pounding colleague Speaker Wright).  The current ranking is not exactly news, and for that Suttle World apologizes---with the tome's ranking being exactly equal to the anecdotal evidence collected by Suttle World in conversation with those who simply could not wait for Pelosi's book to be released.  America's long tedious national nightmare as a bad Monty Python sketch continues with no end in sight.

..."WASHINGTON (AP) -- The prospects for a quick economic recovery dimmed Thursday, with new data showing the economy grew at a slower-than-expected rate this spring despite some oomph from tax rebate checks -- and actually shrank late last year...But the gross domestic product still increased at a 1.9 percent annual rate, up from 0.9 percent in the first quarter but less than the 2.4 percent economists were looking for."  No bias in the previous lead that Suttle World cannot quickly fix by simply pointing out that the GDP numbers were greeted with hearty cheers of "hoorah" from the multitudes standing in the many bread lines across the United States---those already fully participating in a recession that doesn't exist.  Meanwhile, in even more depressing economic news, the take from the Batman flick fell over 50% in its second weekend, coming in at a paltry $75,166,466 in box office receipts July 25-27.  No doubt, this weekend will be even more disastrous.

...Much like the lame empty week each January before the Super Bowl, the gentle surfer is encouraged to spend the next seven days fully and completely without any consideration of the Olympics whatsoever.  Suttle World issues this public service announcement due to the total sensory overload that the gentle surfer will suffer courtesy of the world's longest commercial advertisement in the ensuring three weeks.  Actually, one last comment before the week long blackout begins.  Suttle World is pleased to see comments beginning to show up from the republication of the SSC Daily Briefing on .  Suttle World sends limited props to "Converse all stars" who chimes in:  "I find it absolutely disgusting that China thinks it can get away with censuring the internet for journalists!"  Nice start, but something along the lines of, "I think that Suttle World could create another Tiananmen Square situation," or "I hear that Suttle World has the launch codes for all the Chinese nukes," is more along the lines Suttle World had in mind when it embarked on its mission to be banned by the Chinese during the games.  Come on boys and girls, Suttle World has faith in the gentle surfer to do the right thing, and join with Suttle World on this glorious journey to live the dream.

SUTTLEWORLD 
               
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